Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track




Nov. 17, 2014 - 5:18 p.m.

Midlife crisis, or just girls in tanks?

NewWifey(tm) walked in on me while I was masturbating to internet porn a few minutes ago, and it was every bit as awkward and uncomfortable as you might imagine. Not because she walked in on me while I was masturbating to internet porn - that's a fairly common and unremarkable occurrence around here - but rather because....

"Cartoons?" she said. "You're yanking it to cartoons now?"

"Wait, honey, it's not what you -"

But it was too late.

Her voice rose steadily in pitch. "What's the matter with real women? Huh? What's wrong with HUMAN lesbians? I demand you put Red Tube on RIGHT. NOW. AND MASTURBATE TO REAL LESBIANS, LIKE A REAL MAN! I'm ashamed to call you my husband!"

"But baby, I -"

"Hang on a second" she said. She peered at the screen. "What the hell...?"

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I never liked anime growing up. The crap the Japanese sent over pre-internet didn't even reach "Steamboat Willy" levels of sophistication. We all know what I'm talking about: frozen characters whose only moving parts were their mouths, movement depicted by whooshing backgrounds, hilarious English voiceovers, etc. And it stayed that way for YEARS. Go check out some clips of "Speed Racer" from the '60's, for instance, then watch Picachu battle it out in a few "Pokémon" episodes produced 4 decades later. Not much in the way of progress, am I right? So I stopped watching anime.

But then....

Then, while recovering from elbow surgery and with nothing to do but scroll through endless YouTube videos for months on end, I discovered "Sailor Moon".

Sailor Moon had frozen characters whose only moving parts were their mouths, movement depicted by whooshing backgrounds, hilarious English voiceovers, etc.

But the girls weren't wearing pants.

That seemed to make a difference.

I started watching anime.

I have to admit, the Sailor Moon phase did not last long. Yeah, they were 15 year old girls wearing skirts cut up to their uvula and sporting 36-DD's. But there was still something, amazingly, very sterile, very unsatisfying about them. I wouldn't have believed that was even possible with a cast and wardrobe like that, but there it was. I stopped watching anime.

Then I discovered Strike Witches.

And I started watching anime again.

But please don't think it was just the allure of overly endowed, pantsless teenage girls that sucked me in. This show has an awesome plot, too. Check it out: Earth is under attack by some alien species as usual, and the puny humans' only chance of survival rests on the shoulders (and awesome racks) of a band of witches. See, scientists working in an underground bunker somewhere have figured out a way to channel the witches' magic power into a propulsion system which allows them to strap WW-2 fighter plane fuselages onto their legs and fly. Once they're in the air, more magic allows them to use big-ass motherfuckin' rockets, Gatling guns and BFG-9000's to wipe out incoming alien craft. The catch is that - surprise - because the aliens could strike at any time and the girls need to jump into their leg-fighters within seconds of an alarm being sounded, they are prohibited by law from wearing pants. And, apparently, panties thicker than one coating of watercolor paint. And the girls lose their magic ability when they turn 18. So no danger of excess bush poking through the cloth or under seams. Whew.

See? That plot sold you on it, right? It's not salacious underage flying pussy. It's a complex dystopian science fiction alternate history anime that establishes a very good reason for showing vulva cleavage and moderate-to-heavy lesbian innuendo at least once every 37 seconds.

Which I happened to be jerking off to when NewWifey(tm) walked in.

Hey, I really like science fiction. What can I say?

I have a terrible confession to make, though:

I actually like "Girls und Panzer" even more. Yes, more than flying underage vulvas with huge mutherfuckin' guns.

Why? Because "Girls und Panzer" revolves around cute Japanese high school girls in uvula-cut skirts in mutherfuckin' tanks.

And all kidding aside: I did watch this one for the plot. Partly because, despite what it seems, there is no implied sex at all in this anime to watch. The girls wear short skirts, but that's about it. No love interests, no bi-curious double entendres, no even VPL's. It's literally just the tale of a beautiful world where beautiful girls engage in the traditional high school sport of "Sensha-do", ie: trying to blow each others' brains out with restored WW-2 tanks and LIVE AMMUNITION. It's kinda like "Band of Brothers" meets "The Bad News Bears" meets "Hello Kitty". It's predictable (the underdogs have to pull together and overcome great hurdles to win the championship, with a sub-plot of sibling rivalry) and it's...oh hell, it's high school girls in mutherfuckin' tanks, yo. What other excuse do you need?

Oh, and it's got an AWESOME soundtrack. Since you may indeed need another excuse, on reflection. No, seriously, the tunes are great. The various teams are based in different countries, and aside from having representative tanks from that country, they also sing period tunes. I love "Katyusha", the ditty the Russian girls sing as they gun their T-34's across the snow into battle, and the Japanese girl's rendition of "Yuki No Singun". Stirs my loins every time, that one.

Oh (again), and the writing is pretty damn funny even if the plot is a rather hoary one. I completely forgot I was looking for porn, I got so wrapped up in the characters and situations. That never happens when I'm looking for porn.

Here, take a look at this.. Some fan expanded the opening credits with additional scenes cut from the series to fit the un-edited version of the opening song. Is that awesome, or what? If you want to get lost in them like I did, you can watch the whole series in order at this site. It really is good, wholesome -

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Ok, NewWifey(tm)'s left the room.


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I can hear her. She just called her mom, and they're discussing mom's crummy neighbor who always lets her shitzu shitzu in mom's garden. This will take a while.

Good.

Fuck "Girls und Panzer".

Don't nobody call me for the next 7 minutes. I'm heading back to "Strike Witches".

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Panzer Vor!

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