Feb. 07, 2004 - 9:17 a.m.

First things first. Because I am a gentleman, I must thank tuff517 for her generosity. Some of you have asked who provided the fourth blowjob on my birthday. Well, it was her. Unfortunately she sent it by mail, which left a bad taste in our carrier's mouth. But still, that was a really swell gesture, babe. I hoist a cheap bottle of flavorless swill in your direction. I know you'd approve.

Ok, on to getting reamed in non-sexual ways.

Wait a sec.. I don't think I actually DID get reamed this time! Can that be? Did I actually set something into motion that didn't immediately double back from the barrel of the gun and smite me betwixt the eyes? Were the gods asleep?

Now, I say I don't think I got reamed. What happened is, I ordered a Dell computer (yes, finally). It hasn't actually arrived yet, so I may still have to post an apology to zarfmeister that I didn't take his advice and save for 15 more years to get an Apple. But I've got high hopes that this will not happen, despite the fact that it has happened every single goddam time I've ever made a major purchase in the past. THIS time will be different, I just know it. Pray for me.

I happened to call during the brief time that several specials overlapped, so I got what I think is a pretty good deal. I even resisted the suave attempts by the loser kid on the other end of the phone to get me to order more upgrades than I needed. Go me! Normally I fall for all the come-on lines that even the most inexperienced salesmen throw at me. "Do I want a combination home spaying kit / fondue set with that glass of lemonade, for only 239.95 extra?....SURE!" But this time I stayed strong. Of course, it helped that NewWifey(tm) was hovering over my left shoulder with a taser, ready to stun me and take over the ordering if I fell prey to the Siren's song of a 400 dollar aromatherapy scented monitor. She's learned her lesson the hard way, as our bank account will attest to. So I got the basic set-up, adding only a 20 dollar floppy drive so I can load up all the old DOS text-based games I've saved since 9th grade.

So hopefully, sometime after Valentine's Day, I'll be able to start posting to this here diary thing a little more frequently. With ACTUAL stories, instead of just pathetic simperings.

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Radio Newsroom Humor: (sensitive parents avert your eyes):

So they found the body of that 11 year old Florida girl, the one who's abduction was caught on a surveillance camera. Before our respective reports, a bunch of us announcers were discussing the day's topics out in the bullpen, and of course that was one of the leads.

Dangerspouse: What was she wearing, anybody remember? She may have wanted it.

Announcer Dave: People who don't understand that this sort of thing happens to kids all the time just shouldn't be allowed to have children. Look at that father weeping and wailing. What the fuck did he expect? Letting a hot peice of ass like that walk home all by herself. I would've jumped her too, if I'd been there. It's just nature. Get over it already, Dad.

Announcer Elise: This is terrible! No one EVER tried to abduct and rape ME. That lucky bitch. Was I that ugly? Will one of you guys make me feel like a real woman finally?

Dangerspouse: Sorry, your tits are still too small. And your "job" thing makes us all feel emasculated. Lose the paycheck, get implants, and dress in a Barney jumper and I'll be over there with duct tape and a box cutter pronto.

Elise: (squeals)I'm dripping!

Ten minutes later we are in our respective studios telling America what a terrible tragedy this is. Which it is.

I guess.

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On a related note, I see that the little two-headed Dominican girl has just died. The porn world loses another potential star. Don't see too many 4-input chicks. Shame.

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Well, I'm actually at work right now, running back and forth to this empty studio in between mic breaks to dash out a sentence or two before running back. Damned hard way to post a fluid entry. I'm gonna wrap it up for now so I can see what sort of perversions wench77 has come up with THIS time. And also what everybody else on my list is doing, too. The people with REAL lives.

See ya soon, kids! Thanks to everyone for all the input on the great Dell debate. I read every one of the comments and considered them all. Really, thanks bunches. If any of you want to be abducted and killed, just call. It's the least I could do.