Aug. 13, 2004 - 4:53 a.m.

Big Gay Jersey's Big Gay Governor

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Don't quote me on this, and I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but...

I think our Governor is gay.

!

I know what you're thinking: 'What do you mean? How can you say that?'

I don't blame you if you didn't catch it when it was on the news. The media (of which I am at least nominally a member) is known for restraint and decorum when faced with sensationalistic stories regarding peoples' personal lives. Especially when it comes to sex. ESPECIALLY when it comes to gay sex. Just class and sensitivity all the way, that's us.

So if you missed the subtle hints and coded innuendo, I'm not suprised. But since I'm an insider I am able to decypher the delicate phrasing.

My first thought, when CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, MSNBC, UPN, Univision, RAI, CNBC, CNN, Telemundo, PBS, and the Home Shopping Network all broke programming at once to ejaculate the news of Govenor McGreevy's shame was, 'Thank god he's not Italian!' We Wops have spent too many years cultivating our image as He-Men gangsters and ne'er-do-wells to have our cover blown by some fag. Let the Micks take the heat for this one. They probably won't sober up long enough to even notice, so no harm done.

I really don't have much interest in politics, as you may have noticed by the absence of Bush/Kerry bashing here. I don't vote because I feel disenfranchised by our stupid Electoral College 18th Century holdover. And I tend to see all politicians as arrogant opportunists anyway, regardless of affiliation. So if forced to vote, the task would be one of deciding who is the more evil of two lessers, then pulling the lever for the other guy.

However, that doesn't mean I'm ignorant of politics. I'm merely disdainful. I actually have to bone up on these things so that if I'm called upon to comment on-air as part of one of the morning shows I'm on, I won't sound like George Bush trying to speak extemporaneously about anything.

I'm sorry, did I say there was an absence of politico-bashing here? I think I just threw that pledge into the Potomac, ribbons and all.

So yeah, Swishy McGreevy is out (thanks to NewWifey(tm) for coining the moniker). Frankly, I was stunned to discover he's gay. The man gave no outward indication at all. When he would show up to do his weekly "Ask the Governor" segment on my NJ station (NJ101.5) he alway wore a very understated A-frame dress, with sensible mules and a simple handbag. Gays dress MUCH more flamboyantly when doing public appearances. His habit of deep throating the microphone was probably more of a tip-off, but I always accepted his explanation that he suffered from fainting spells and just happened to pitch forward with open mouth each time. And heck, his lisp was hardly discernable at all. Yes, he certainily fooled us.

Thank god he at least had the decency to step down. You jaded types can squawk all you want about how "he's just revealing his gayness now to head off the bombsell lawsuit about to be dropped by his boy-toy" and "this was preferable to facing all the OTHER corruption charges that were about to come crashing down on his head like a ton of studded leather chaps". But I know better. Jim McGreevy is, at his core, a very ethical man. And he realizes that gay men are just not fit to govern. Their wrists are too limp to keep signing so many Executive Orders. (This, btw, is why lesbians ARE fit to govern. They have no such anatomical limitation. If anything, they keep TOO tight a grip on those hard, cylindrical pens, sometimes even crushing them in a meaty paw.) So his conscience finally got the better of him. He 'fessed up, mincing everything but words. It had nothing to do with politics, everything to do with personal ethos. If there are no gays in the military, there shouldn't be gays in ANY branch of public service, he figured. I applaude his integrity, and as long as he doesn't decide to move into my neighborhood he'll always have my respect.

To show there are no hard feelings, I will now recount my favorite gay and lesbian jokes:

1. How do gay guys use computers?

C:(ENTER)*

2. Did you hear that Nike is marketting a sneaker targetted to lesbians? It's got a 10 inch tongue and you can get it off with one finger.

3. How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, plus a jar of Vaseline.

4. How many lesbians does it take to change a lighbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, and two to make a PBS documentary about it.

5. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her like an Alter Boy.

* If you didn'tunderstand that one, ask someone who knows DOS. Or drop me an e-mail. It's funny. Really.

Ok, enough of that. Tomorrow: Dead baby jokes!

Bonus preview:

What's 18 inches long, stiff, and makes women scream when they see it in the morning?

....SIDS.

Bet ya can't wait, huh?