|Dangerspouse Rides Again|
Garage - Track
Sept. 01, 2014 - 4:07 p.m.
Last week I had to haul some stuff around, so I took NewWifey(tm)'s Ford Escape. For a little SUV piece of shit it has a lot of hauling space. Certainly more than Stanley the Mighty WRX. So I piled in boxes of old porn that I was getting rid of to make space for new porn, and headed out to the dump.
About a mile down the road the Escape started coughing and bucking and generally letting me know it wasn't feeling well. So I did what any responsible man of the house does when his wife's car is in serious need of repair: I nursed it back home, parked it, and didn't say a word. The old porn would have to go in the attic for now.
NewWifey(tm) didn't have to go anywhere last week, so the Escape stayed parked. Which was good, because I kept forgetting to mention that there might be a problem with it. But then yesterday she needed to make a trip to the dentist or a party or court or something. I don't know, I wasn't really listening. Anyway, she had to take the Escape to get to whatever it was she was going.
And about a mile down the road the Escape started coughing and bucking and generally letting her know it wasn't feeling well. So she did what any responsible wife does when her car has trouble: she called her husband. And yelled at him.
"You bastard!" she screamed. "You knew my car was having problems and you let me take it without saying anything!"
"I...what??" I stammered. "I would never do anything like that! How could I know your car was having engine problems?"
"A HA!" she said. "I knew it! I never said it had an engine problem. How did you know that's what it was? Huh? HUH?"
"You get down here right now and follow me to Kayte's Ford in case this thing dies before I get there."
"I'm kinda busy right now, hun...."
"SHUT THE PORN OFF AND GET DOWN HERE. NOW."
"Ok, ok." *click*
I shut the porn down, zipped up, and headed out. Sure enough, about a mile down the road, right in the exact spot where I'd turned around last week, there was NewWifey(tm) pulled over on the shoulder with her emergency lights flashing. I tucked Stanley behind her and she immediately pulled onto the highway for the 2 mile journey to the Ford dealership. It was a very painful 2 miles. Most of it was done at 15 mph or less, which meant that by the time we got to Kayte's there were hundreds of furious, purple faced weekend warriors lined up behind us. And they all gave us the finger once we pulled off and they could get by.
NewWifey(tm) dragged the Escape, sputtering and twitching, around the lot looking for a parking space. I just pulled into the blue-striped slot in front of the Parts and Service door and hopped out. The handicapped could wait. They shouldn't be driving anyway. Inside there were two or three people at the counter ahead of me, but they didn't take long. Within 3 minutes it was my turn.
"Hi" I said to the blue shirt. "My wife's Escape is having engine problems. We managed to get it here, and I was hoping one of the mechanics could take a loo- OOF!"
NewWifey(tm) apparently found a parking spot. She walked in, strode past the people on line, and pushed me aside with an elbow to the ribs.
"I need an ignition coil for an '01 Escape XL with the 4-cylinder" she said to the guy.
"Are you with him?" he asked, nodding to me.
I could see NewWifey(tm) struggling with this one. But she really didn't have much choice, since I had the check book. "Yes" she said, looking down and away like she wanted to spit.
"Your husband says it's having engine problems. You sure it's an ignition coil?"
"Pretty sure" she said. "It's cutting out when I give it gas, but it's getting fuel and there no oil spray on the head. It's gotta be electrical."
"It might just be a bad plug" the guy said.
NewWifey(tm) thought about that for a second. "Yeah, maybe. I'll tell you what, give me a set of plugs. I'll do the cheap thing first. If that doesn't fix it I'll be back for that coil."
He pushed a box of Motorcraft plugs across the counter. She grabbed them and walked out the door. I paid up and followed.
When I got to the Escape she already had the hood up. I opened the back hatch and got out the fully loaded toolbox she keeps there.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asked.
I looked at her standing there in her white blouse, pressed skirt, and 2 inch heels. "I thought I'd change the plugs, since, y'know, you might get dirty and stuff. I mean, this is kind of a guy job...."
"Give me that." And she swiped the toolbox right out of my hand. "Now go inside and play Animal Crossing. I'll come get you when I'm done."
So I went inside and played Animal Crossing. When I looked out the waiting room window all I could see of NewWifey(tm) was her butt, way up in the air while she stood on tippy toes to fold the rest of her body into the engine bay. I knew that blouse was a goner.
10, maybe 15 minutes later NewWifey(tm) walked past me and up to the counter.
"No good" she said to the guy. "New plugs did nothing. Gimme that coil."
She grabbed the box, I forked over more cash, and back we went to the Escape.
"I thought I told you to play your game" she said.
"But honey" I said, "Can't you let me at least let me do this one? I mean, look at you...." I trailed off. There wasn't a spot on her blouse, skirt, hair, anything. "What I mean is, look at you: you're still relatively presentable. But installing an ignition coil is a much bigger job than just changing plugs. You're gonna get filthy! Remember how icky you got changing the exhaust last year? You stank for days!"
She glared at me. "Do you even know where the ignition coil is on an '01 Escape?"
"Well, no, but we have an owner's manual in the glove box."
"Inside. Animal Crossing."
I sighed and headed back across the lot. As I went I could hear the clatter of sockets and other tools being gathered behind me. If my buddies got wind of this they'd demote me to head of the decorating committee at our next arm wrestling tournament.
A half an hour later NewWifey(tm) walked into the waiting room. She still looked immaculate, and smelled like French vanilla body spray. I could only assume the worst.
"Couldn't find the ignition coil either, huh?" I said. "Don't worry baby, I'll go handle it."
"What?" she said. "Hell no. I swapped coils and took it for a test drive already. It's fine. Let's go." Her turquoise skirt swished as she spun and went back out the door. I followed.
In the parking lot, in front of the smoothly idling Escape, NewWifey(tm) gave me a peck on the cheek and climbed into the driver's seat. But she must have known something was eating me from the look on my face. She reached out and rustled my hair. "Awww, don't worry baby. You know you're still the man of the house. Now go home and relax for a bit before you start fixing dinner - I'll be home by 6. 'Atta boy." And away she went.
I went home and turned the porn back on.
After all, I'm a man. My wife says so.