Oct. 31, 2015 - 9:01 a.m.

Coming Out

I'm just gonna come right out and say it:

I'm gay.

There. I said it.

I'm gay.

I tried to deny it for many years. I played sports and fucked women and refused to watch "Thelma and Louise" and didn't sing along with "Gloria" when it came on the radio and fucked more women. But it apparently was all just overcompensation.

Because I'm gay.

The reason I didn't come out before was that I didn't know I was gay before. I was that immersed in the lie. Then....

Yesterday I had my first digital prostate exam. And I didn't react by bellowing like a steer, grabbing a gun, and going on a bloody rampage.

I just wiped the Vaseline off my ass, pulled my pants on, and drove home. Had a drink, a nice meal, and a full night's untroubled sleep.

That means I'm gay, right?

Another indication: the doctor was very nice. He even wore gloves and used lubricant, two considerations I rarely afford NewWifey(tm). I guess we're dating now.

Speaking of NewWifey(tm), I guess I should break the news to her today. I'm sure she'll be surprised at first, but she'll come around when she realizes she'll finally have someone to watch "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" with, and can redecorate the Man Cave in chintz.

Gotta get going and cue me up some Laura Branigan now. God, how could I have not seen how deep those lyrics were all these years? "Gloria, you're always on the run now. Running after somebody, you gotta get him somehow. I think you've got to slow down, before you start to blow it...."

Truer words were never spoken.

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Cute joke I heard a comedienne tell last night: "I had to go for a checkup last week and the doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. I said "Why?" and he said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Now that I'm gay, I can totally relate. You go, sister!

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