Nov. 02, 2003 - 6:04 a.m.

OK, talk about rushed. We're leaving for Squeezapalooza (see yesterday. please) at 8am...just two hours away. But I realized I haven't written about my wild-but-typical Halloween, and I really wanted to do that. So I'm gonna bang out a quick description right now, and still hopefully have time left to walk NewWifey(tm) and make the Corgi a keg-o-coffee.

Forgive how bad this is gonna be in advance. No time for re-writes, spit or polish. Maybe I'll be embarrased enough to edit - or delete - it when I get back.....

So:

Well, it's time for a once-a-year treat tonight. This being just after Halloween I have lots of all kinds of candy here. Now I don't buy the stuff - heavens no! Every year I take off the last week of October and begin prepping for my Big Night Out. I scour Martha Stewart's Living for tips on decorating and unusual costumes. I visit fabric shops for tuille, velvet, whatever I need to create a masterpiece. I browbeat NewWifey(tm) into seamstress duty, then steal half her MAC and Revlon supplies for gruesome facial effects. I have a portable smoke generator and a prosthetic second head that attaches to my shoulder and vomits on cue. I purchased a live Sout American fruit bat that is trained to fly around a person while tethered to a line at the belt (NewWifey HATES cleaning up guano!). And I have a micro-mini stereo system with 7 speakers taped or implanted around my body that constantly surrounds me with strains of Stravinsky and Moussorsky as I stride along. It's subtle, but it works.

Finally October 31st arrives and my yearly ritual begins. I have been invited to 143 parties. I look over the invitations and decide which one I will grace my presence with based on an intricate formula that takes into account distance, financial status of the host, likelihood of chicks in Genie costumes, and quality of booze. I lay that invitation aside and discard the others. NewWifey(tm) will stay home and dole out apples and plastic bags of white powder to the kids (we like scaring the parents too).

Four hours before dusk I get into the mood by pouring a dram of Maker's Mark Bourbon, neat. The first drought is always a searing rocket down the gullet, so a second and third is needed after to smooth the taste out. Then one can really relax and enjoy the fourth and fifth. NewWifey(tm) is still hunched over her Pfaff, embroidering for all her worth. I pour a sixth and carry it, and her makeup kit, into the bathroom.

For some reason the mirror looks particularly foggy, and the lipstick, rouge and eye goop don't quite conform to the vision I had the day before. To be frank, I emerge from the john looking like a drag queen who's just come back from 'Open House Day' at Joliette. Never mind. Another bourbon down the hatch and it won't matter.

I look at all that costume crap spread out on the bed. NewWifey(tm) is beaming, having sewn faster than a ten year old Phillipino in a Kathy Lee sweatshop, and for less wages. All I notice is that stupid bat. Circling, flapping....circling...circling....flapping. Faster and faster and fasterandfasterandfaster until it's just a blur of black fur, pink ears and white teeth! AAAUUUGHHH!!! It's huuuuge!

Suddenly it's too hot. I can feel mascara start to run. I look at NewWifey(tm) who seems to have a clone standing next to her. They both look at me with a worried frown and say exactly the same thing. I swear to god, this is what they said: "Honey? jiq huej mmmrdl mmmrld dee linkitikbee?" It was too much. The heat, the bat, two wives speaking in tongues, me looking like Tammy Faye Baker at the Pope's funeral...I had to get out!

Too hot. Too hot. uhn, uhn, uhn....I peeled off my shirt and pants, right down to my Months-of-the-Year boxers and knee high Hanes Gold Toe hose. Still hot. I poured another drink - a big one - but this time over half a tray of ice. I stirred for a minute then threw the entire contents against my chest. I could feel chest hair sticking together as it dried, but at least I was cool.

But that bat...that damn bat...was still circling, circling frantically. I had to get away from it. I pushed past NewWifey(tm) and out the front door, just barely aware of her muffled "NURDLE! BLARGIR NASTRO INRATEER INOLILLWADEDGITT!!" as I lurched into the darkness.

I felt alive then, and it was as beautiful an evening as I've ever seen. Large pink frogs perched in the trees. Clouds raced around the heavens, backlit by a brilliant full moon. They spelled out private messages to me, and dipped and played with other clouds, sometimes forming images from my childhood. The rest of the scenery seemed to spin and change focus along with the clouds. I heard music blare from every leaf.

Gradually I remembered that I was not out here merely to wallow in miraculous ambience. It was Halloween! I had to get my allotment of candy!! But...I had neglected to bring my bag, the one with Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin that I've had since I was six. No matter, I'd improvise.

As it turns out, I didn't have to improvise. Apparently the sight of a 210 lb. man with runny, smeared makeup, wearing only boxer shorts and black sox, staggering down the middle of the street reeking of bourbon and singing Partridge Family tunes at the top of his lungs proved to be a pretty scary costume in itself. Just about every kid under the age of 12 ran screaming when I got near.

And....they left their candy behind in their haste!! Bingo!

Four hours later I remember where I live and lurch back up the front stairs. The steps are literally groaning as I strain under the weight of what seems like the entire Hershey factory's output in a sack on my back. I collapse in the foyer, only stirring long enough to swallow the half a bottle of Advil that NewWifey(tm) silently hands me, no water. I slept where I fell, my pillowcase of sugary swag beside me.

So here it is, two days later, November 2nd, and I'm finally conscious again. This morning I checked my haul. What a catch!! I could solve the food crisis in Somalia single handedly (and I would, too, but I want to spare them the cavities). Snickers, Twix, Red Hots, M&M's, Baby Ruths, Reeses! And more, LOTS more! There was even a UNICEF can (I didn't even know they still did that) with $12.85 in it. Some precious little girl (boys never fall for the UNICEF schpiel) had given up her chance for a night of free candy to help starving people in a land she'd probably never heard of. I was so touched. I decided to spend it on beer.

And now, tonight, comes The Payoff. Every year, the Sunday after Halloween, I make THE DISH. I've been doing this since I was old enough to get drunk and put on my own makeup without my dad's help. Tonight, NewWifey(tm) and I will indulge in "Halloween Suprise Fondue". And you can too - it's easy, sooooo good, and if you do it right, free!

Halloween Suprise Fondue

1. Acquire candy.

2. Seperate the candy bars with nuts from the ones without nuts.

3. Unwrap the ones without nuts and put in fondue dish. Add a splash of kircsh and heat to melt.

4. Unwrap the candy with nuts and dip into fondue. Soft ones like Almond Joy work well on a fondue fork, but those like Hershey Bars With Almonds just hold in your fingers.

5. Remove the razor from an apple and cut into wedges. Discard the apple and dunk your fingers into the fondue pot. Lick clean.

6. Store your (still clean) costume away.

7. Repeat next year.

Well, there you have it folks. I hope all your Halloween adventures were as productive as mine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go start the fondue.

Maybe I'll have a little Maker's Mark before I start....

Gotta run - accordian update tomorrow if I'm not too embarassed to tell of it!