Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Nov. 29, 2003 - 7:19 a.m.

Well, we didn't get to go see the play on Wednesday evening.

Check that. I didn't get to go see the play. NewWifey(tm) sat 3rd row center, next to the guy who mugged me.

The night started out smoothly enough. We met at her favorite restaurant down in Chinatown, and she ordered the Corporal Chu's Shi Tzhu as usual. She showed no bitterness at all about marrying a guy who was just nabbed with a pair of binoculars, perched above a Sweet Innocent as she compared knickers in a store dressing room. (Oh - lavidaloca-2 apparently has some issues with women who try on undies at the mall. I see her point, but as a guy who wanders the aisles sniffing the merchandise while my wife shops, I must disagree.)

Anyway, things went suprisingly well. At 7:30 we caught a cab and worked our way uptown to the theater. Plenty of time. 15 minutes later I got out, tipped the cabbie, and held the door open for NewWifey(tm).

Next thing I know I'm in a bad Film Noir.

"Don't do anything stupid buddy, just hand over your wallet and you won't get hurt."

The speaker was a guy about my height, wearing a black overcoat and a fedora, pulled low. A fedora? Who the hell wears a fedora to stick-ups anymore? That is so outre. But nonetheless, there he was. The whole thing was almost romantic, with steam puffing from manholes, sputtering neon signs overhead, and Dick Powell jamming a gun in my side. Wait'll I tell my folks! They loved Murder, My Sweet.

Now, I may be DangerSpouse, but I'm not StupidSpouse. No matter how big and lumbering I come across, I'm under no delusion that a .22 caliber hole in my liver would be a tough one to shake off. I meekly handed over the wallet. However, I was secretly confident that the soundrel wouldn't find the cleverly conceled second-billfold stitched behind the first. I'd paid a hefty premium for this Italian leather beauty, and I knew no 2-bit hoodlum would be even close to a match for it's subtle deceptions.

But no! The guy immediately pressed the two buried tabs, twisted the ID holder just right and gently tugged at the corners, exposing my cash and Broadway tickets. It was as if he knew! Not only that - he rifled through all my credit cards and only took the ones that weren't cancelled for non-payment! And my car keys!

What was almost as bad: he took NewWifey(tm)!

The last thing he said as he grabbed NewWifey(tm) by the arm was "Turn around and start walking. If you look back or call the cops she's a goner." NewWifey(tm) added "Do what he says. Idiot."

So I did what he said.

I walked all the way to the Hudson River. At a traffic light near the Lincoln Tunnel a friendly couple agreed to give me a ride after I pretended to have a gun, and we headed back to Jersey. Turns out they were from Long Island, but didn't mind making the hundred mile detour to take me home. How sweet - and sensible - of them.

At home I waited for the kidnapper's call. Nothing. Hours went by while I played Grand Theft Auto. Around midnight I drifted off and dreamt of Hobbits. Killing them, mostly. The usual.

The next morning I went to work, then out to lunch with some of the guys afterwards. We decided to go see Cat in the Hat (stunk) then over to Stanky's for a couple of beers. After the Round Robin fooseball tournament I remembered the kidnapper might be trying to reach me so I took off. On the way home I saw that Stop-n-Shop was trumpetting a sale on shrimp, and who can resist cheap shrimp? I picked up about 2 lbs. of 41-50 count for $2.99 a pound. Superb! I rushed home to get them on the stove, because you've gotta cook shrimp fast or they spoil.

2 hours later they were shelled, prepped, and encased in won-ton wrappers with ginger, scallions, and Szechuan peppercorns. Fresh from the bamboo steamer they fairly glistened with a Hoisin Chili glaze brushed on top. Jade rice and a pot of King's Leaf tea was all I needed to complete the masterpiece, and I settled in with it all on the recliner while I watched The Powerpuff Girls Movie again. I just love Bubbles!

Shit - I never checked the answering machine! I decided to do it the next morning, since the tea had made me so drowsy. I slept and dreamt of Bella Abzug. The usual.

Well lo and behold, there was actually a message from NewWifey(tm) on the machine when I got up. She said she was safe, and having a good time, but the kidnapper had decided not to make any demands as long as she left him the fuck alone for the rest of his life. They'd seen the play because it seemed a shame to waste the tickets (he gave it a glowing review) and then took a carriage ride around Central Park. She doesn't remember much of what happened afterwards, but she'd be home tonight, with the car, after doing some more shopping.

I can't wait! My baby's coming home!

I should buy her a nice little something, to show her I still care.

I hear they're having a sale on lingerie over at Penny's.....

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