Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Dec. 09, 2003 - 5:47 a.m.

Have I mentioned my penis lately? Probably not, since I don't have one. Oh, I'd heard the jocular line that my wife would keep my genitals in a jar once we were were married, but I had no worries. I had no penis to begin with.

NewWifey(tm) is fine with my condition, in case you were wondering. She's always harbored the desire to be a lesbian, but didn't want to suffer the disapproval of family or Republicans. By marrying me she has the best of both worlds: no penis and stress free public outings.

That's not to say I don't have a pendulous appendage between my legs through which various liquids exit the building. In fact, I'm hung like a gorilla. But in the grander, more important sense, I don't have a "PENIS", writ large. You know, the kind men get when they buy a Hummer. (Why do you think they named it after a euphamism for a blow job?) The kind Bosses have.

Yesterday, during one of my 17 morning pee breaks (we drink a lot of water between mic breaks) I was relieving myself at a urinal when my boss came in. There are only two urinals, so he stood next to me with a confident, erect stance. He's got a PENIS, let me tell you. This is a big company. It's a direct corrolation.

Not having a PENIS does have its advantages. Riding a bicycle for miles is one. Having NewWifey(tm) shovel the entire length of our two car driveway during a two day blizzard is another.

Yeah, we got hammered with the same storm that caused all the media handwringing up and down the East Coast. It was very pretty. I love snowfalls now, even the paralyzing, airport-closing ones like we got this weekend. Why? Because I have no penis. Which means I get to make hot cocoa and watch "The Grinch" while NewWifey(tm) does the Man's Job and mans the spade. She takes a break every two hours to tend the fire, but otherwise she's a real trooper about keeping her runny nose to the grindstone until the job is done. Which Saturday took about 9 hours, since once she finished she had to go back and get the 4 inches that fell behind her. Several times.

What's ironic is, we'd scrimped and saved to buy a snowblower, but so many people up here hit the Panic button when they heard a system was "bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow" that every place was sold out when we went shopping. So we placed an order, and it's expected to be here Thursday. When the temperatures are predicted to be in the 50's, with soaking rain. NewWifey(tm) grumbled about that all last weekend (although I couldn't hear her over the TV, thankfully).

On the subject of men with PENISES, I should mention that the NJ Bear Hunt is officially underway. For the first time in 30 years, you can go out and get a free rug and a few hundred pounds of stew meat in New Jersey. The official rational is "the herd needs to be thinned out so that overpopulation blah blah blah...." But away from the town council meeting where these erudite arguments are made, all the hunters I know just want to kill something big. So they can feel like they have a huge PENIS.

Interestingly, I'm not upset about the Deer Hunt, because a deer once ran out and hit my car. Anything that affects me directly I want something done about. But bears never did me me no harm, other than stealing some trash once that I wasn't gonna eat anyway. As long as you don't go around wearing your lucky salmon, they pretty much leave you alone. We knew when we moved to the middle of a 6,000 acre state forest that we were gonna have to deal with bears. So did everyone else who moved here. For some of them to start with the "Think of our children! They'll be canapes!!" hysterics AFTER they've moved here kinda negates any claims they have to sanity - or intelligence - in my book. When I mentioned this at a town meeting I was pointedly ignored, of course, because I have no penis.

Well, I've gotta go home and do some ironing now. Y'know, overall this not having a penis thing really isn't so bad. Except when NewWifey(tm) can't find my clitoris. Women! *rolls eyes*

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