Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Feb. 01, 2004 - 5:34 a.m.

Gosh, is it time for my semi-annual entry already?

Man oh Manichewitz. What a fucking joke of a cyber life I've been living lately. My work computer still has the temperment of an unmedicated Mike Tyson, and the large, swinging penises who run the company still haven't grasped the necessity of providing the talent with tools to do the job they demand of them. So no fix on the horizon. And my home unit - well, you can see how reliable THAT is. This is the first time I've been able to log into Diaryland in, what, 3 weeks?



Anyway, while the gods have temporarily stopped emptying their bladders on me and allowed my computer to do this, I have a question for those of you in the know:

By ferocious dint of self denial, I have squirreled away a significant percentage of my annual salary (about 600 clams). I've discovered that I can buy an actual computer for this ammount, one that computes. Not knowing anything about computers other than the suspicion (and hope) that the CRT emissions have made me sterile, I'm asking what few readers I may have left for their advice. To wit:

Do any of you have any strong opinions of the el-cheapo Dells? Apparently for the next few days (til Feb.4th) they are running two concurrent incentive specials. There are no shipping charges and several free upgrades on select models if ordered by the deadline. So for my 600 sheckles I would get a Dimension 2400 thingy with 80 (not the usual 40) gigs of hard drive space (I currently have 2), a 17 inch monitor (I'm using a pinhole camera obscura era device the size of Jessica Simpson's brain right now) and a few other shiny baubles...which will not be available after Tuesday. Until their next promotion, I assume. Probably in March. Or am I being cynical?

So am I about to get bitten solidly in my pockmarked ass here? Are the claims made in slickly produced infomercials not always on the up-and-up? Is there a downside to dealing with the prisoners who staff their sales department, or the underage waifs of India who handle customer service? Screw the ethics argument - I just wanna know if I'll benefit from their cut-throat practices.

Leave me a note, willa? When all the votes are in I'll ignore them and scatter some pigs entrials and tea leaves to see what they have to say. They've never steered me wrong in the past (other than that regrettable blind date with Jeffrey Dahmer some years ago. My kidneys still hurt thinking of that one).

Thanks very much in advance for your attempt at helping Tiny Tim cast off his Intel 256 crutches. God bless us, every one.


While my green "On" light is still fairly unwavering, I might as well digress to Actual Stuff.

Dangerspouse had a birthday last week!

Yes, I turned...let's see...7...carry the 4....


Dammit, where's my truss? Oh well, I can still produce bull semen and take a dump unassisted, so I guess I'll put off responding to ads soliciting willing cannibal victims for another year. But damn - didn't I used to be a teenager? Wasn't that going to last for, like, 80 years? Rock and Roll all night, and party ev-er-y day? What happened?

At least I had a kick ass birthday. I actually had my birthday, and the next two days, off from work because I was called for jury duty. But we got hit with the snowfall that usually only shows up in horror movies revolving around the sun going out, and so court was cancelled all three days. How great is that? Legitimized shirking of my citizen responsibilties. Normally I have to lie and soil myself in front of the judge in order to be excused, like most people.

Have I mentioned recently that I have the Best Wife in the World? NewWifey(tm) made it a rule that one's birthday doesn't end til one leaves the house. I don't know where she came up with that, but watching the snow pile up several feet over our doorknob I wasn't inclined to argue. We hunkered down inside for the three full days of my vacation. During which time I recieved:

4 blowjobs (3 from her!)

9 birthday cakes (breakfast, lunch, dinner for 3 days).

A set of new Tomaselli handlebars for my motorcycle.

Assorted NJ Devils fan stuff: license plate frame, jammies, vial of Martin Brodeur's blood and lock of hair, miniature replica Stanley Cup crossed stitched out of her pubic hair (she's been working on this for 4 years. I wondered why she was constantly getting waxed!)

"The Simpsons: Hit and Run" for Playstation-2. Woo Hoo indeed!

A t-shirt with a grim looking astronaut saying "Abducted - yes. Probed...never!" Not entirely accurate in my case, but I'll wear it anyway. Maybe to jury duty next time.....

2 more blowjobs!

A 5 quart Le Creuset Dutch Oven (all together, all the cooks in the audience: "Ooooooh!")

And: she shoveled the entire 2-car driveway all by herself while I sat at the window sipping hot cocoa watching! Then she came in, opened me a beer, and gave me another blowjob!

God, it was great going back to work on the fourth day.


Anyway, other than the year I had the threesome with Pam Dawber and the chick from Punky Brewster, this was the best birthday ever.

Well look at that! I did a reasonably sized entry without having my screen snap shut or start belching smoke. I think I'll wrap this up then, and see how many other diaries I can peruse before the inevitable happens.

Don't forget to tell me how bad a computer decision I'm making over in my notes! Thanks!!

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