Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Feb. 27, 2004 - 11:57 a.m.

I like to think I'm relatively uninhibited kinda guy, the sort who won't shrink from making an ass of himself in public if it seems like it might get a laugh. Or a reduced sentence. But every now and then I have to give a tip o' the DangerCap to someone I recognise as being my superior in such matters. Like that guy who sawed his own arm off with a penknife after getting it wedged under a boulder, or 25% of the movie "Jackass". I'm ashamed to say, but some people just know how to have more fun than me.

Like today's guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mr. William Rode III.

Mr. Rode had an escapade I've only dreamed of doing. What he did was...well, I can't do this story justice. I tend to elaborate and - heaven forfend - even parody sometimes. With a tale of this magnetude, elaboration would only lessen the impact. Why don't I let yesterday's edition of "The Advertiser-News" give you the straight poop. As it were.

This is verbatim:

------------ SEX OFFENDER QUESTIONED --------------

"William Rode III, 53, a registered sex offender from Paterson, approached a day-care center in Pequannock looking for a job and he now faces serious charges for his lewd behavior after being turned away, a published police report said.

It was also reported that Rode may have also exhibited unacceptable behavior at two other schools in Oak Ridge and Hardyston on a Thursday afternoon. Police were said to be investigating those incidents, which were almost identical to the Pequannock case. According to authorities, Rode was wearing pink women's tights and a diaper when he walked into the child care center at Holy Spirit School, Pequannock the same day during the Catholic school's 3 p.m. dismissal time.

Rode is said to have asked employees at the Newark Pompton Turnpike school for a job application but was denied, police reported. That's when Rode defecated in front of employees with a few children present, according to authorities.

The report said Rode ran away, and employees called police. He was arrested later by Lincold Park Police and charged with endangering the welfare of a child. Rode was being held in Morris County Jail on $75,000 bail and his car was impounded. Police said he is a convicted sex offender."


See what I mean? No comments I make could possibly equal the story itself. I'm in awe.

I can make fun of the paper it ran it, though. People, our local rag is called "The Advertiser-News"! Why do I think I'm living in a cartoon every time I see it on my steps?

Unfortunate moniker aside (are they trumpeting the fact that they run lots of ads? Do they focus soley on stories involving their advertisers? Of interest to their advertisers?) this is some of the worst copy I've read since my tenure as editor of "So It Goes", the official monthly student newsletter of Anthony Wayne Junior High School. I mean, even the title is wrong: he wasn't questioned, he was arrested. I can only surmise that budget shortfalls at the paper were resolved by firing the editor and replacing him with a water cooler.

Eh, this is like shooting fish in a frozen food case. Why go on. There's no by-line to the story, so I can't find out what relationship the writer is to the owner. I'm guessing they're either one and the same, or one is the other's Parole Officer.

Besides, I've already written too much. I want the story of Mr. Rode itself, and his penchant for uninhibited fun, to be the focal point here. Not my petty quibbles about the story teller. I do hope you enjoyed it as much as I.

So 'til tomorrow then, when I relate the joyous news of a colleague's demise! Really.

(No names have been changed to protect anyone in the preceding story. Screw the innocent.)

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