Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

May. 21, 2004 - 4:02 p.m.

Liar's Club

Ok, so after 24 hours of orangutangling, here are the results:


The following people are cheaters:





hcatty (who also implied I'm long winded. But she offered up a 3-some with her and her sister, so I got over it quickly.)

treewillow (hcatty's sister, and incipient sibling vagitarian.)





Expect this list to grow as more liars check in.


The following people will be beatified upon their deaths, which will not be for a long time owing to their abundance of honesty and integrity, a combination shown to strengthen the immune system:





There you have it. Nine self centered, insecure little people with little, if any, semblance of dignity who felt they had to lie about their monkey beating my mighty Spider Simian.

I pity them.

Three, however, were secure enough in their basic goodness that they had no qualms about admitting they were lesser apes than my preternaturally powerful porridge eater. They have restored my faith in humanity. Or at least, in 25% of humanity.

(NewWifey(tm) stepped into the ring also, btw. As in real life, she was deemed a "Rhubarb Eating Skeleton Monkey" and went down in defeat. Anything else would have been in violation of her wedding vows.)


Anyone up for a rematch?

Input your real name this time:

is a
Burger-Eating Sea Monkey

...with a Battle Rating of 0.9

To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can
defeat Tom, enter your name:

Oh NO!


They're not even real monkeys! They're, like, algae or tiny manatees or something, right? And a battle rating of ZERO POINT NINE? Maybe I should just hold a contest to see who can beat that LOW score.

Jesus, I'm gonna get my multi-colored babboon butt kicked again. I'd better start flinging feces if I wanna have any chance at all.

No lie.




I've mentioned that one of my all time favorite writers - on the net, or anywhere else - is the practically unfairly talented dancingbrave. If you enjoy exquisite and elegantly crafted English, you are doing yourself a serious disservice by not checking in with her regularly. Go back and read some of her travelogue entries, if nothing else. They ranks right up there with Waugh's When the Going Was Good, my previous favorite tome on travel. Or just run through the "High Traffic Zone" list - each more brilliant (and usually funny) than the next.

Do I sound like a sycophant? I'm not. She's that good.

Anyway, she hasn't updated in over a week. Her most recent entry is a typically well written missive about the frustration of not being able to write new well written missives. In other words, an ironically original description of writer's block.

Now despite the fact that even her toss-out entries, done while mired in agonizing vexation, make better reading than 90% of anything Thomas Pynchon ever thought to pen, she is rather depressed by this. Why don't you all stop by and leave her a few words of support, if you're so inclined?

You know what's funny? I haven't yet. I'm so in awe of her that I freeze up when trying to think of something to say. I'm afraid that whatever I come up with is gonna sound hollow, or forced. But you all are better than me, so give it a go. I'll probably leave one after getting hammered later tonight, when I'm not so self-conscious. Everybody loves getting drunk-messaged, right?


Well, that's my good deed for the day. Don't forget to fight my monkey and post your result in my Notes.

And anyone who DOESN'T beat my pathetic sea cucumber is a Pablum Eating Christopher Reeve Monkey!

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