Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Sept. 09, 2004 - 5:29 p.m.



So I've had two 22 year old Army guys living in my house for the past week now. They have one week to go.

Here's what I think you should do if you ever find yourself in my position:

1. Hide all your porn before they arrive. Off premises, preferably. Army guys are amazingly thorough with their reconnaissance, and 22 year old guys who have been deployed to a desert for the past year are amazingly horny. This is a bad combination if you have a serious anal bukakke fetish that you don't want them to know about. I'm just saying. (Tip: yes they will check inside the 50 lb. bag of dog food.)

So box 'em all up and have a trusted friend or parole officer hold onto it for you. Or if you're like me and have several pallets full, it's worth it to rent a temporary storage space in a different town. Hide the key.

2. Have lots of industrial strength solvents on hand in case they do find your porn. You'd be suprised at the trajectory they can achieve.

3. Don't bother buying extra soap. Your shower will not be used.

4. Stock up on meat and cookies. Don't bother cooking either one, just set 'em out.

5. You don't have enough beer.

6. Do not venture an opinion on anything related to the military. You will be wrong. Even if you agree with them. You're a civilian. You don't understand.

7. Just to be safe, do not venture an opinion on anything. Set out meat instead.

8. Make sure you keep at least one pillow in every room. When they are not eating or arguing, soldiers sleep where they stand.

9. NEVER startle a soldier who's just come back from Iraq by popping a brown paper bag next to his ear while he's sleeping. No matter how hilarious his reaction, it's not worth the hospital stay.

finally -

10. Do not set one of them up on a futon in your computer room for the duration of his stay or you will not be able to sneak in more than once every few days to update your diary. And even then you'll only have 10 minutes - the time it takes them to down a side of beef (god, is that cow screaming!) - before they come back to either sleep or download more Hentai.

Which is why I have to sign off now.



Programming Note

NewWifey(tm) misses reading my stupid stories. Therefore, despite my previous rant about trimming things down and changing my predictable formula, I'm gonna backslide and do more entries in a narrative style again. Go ahead, say it: I'm pussy whipped. What can I do? I live in a Gynocracy. Anyway, as soon as F-Troop clears out I'll have more time for the broad slapstick that a certain Midwestern hick wife apparently likes so much.




er...just click the damn Diarist.net Award button, willya? I don't ask for much. Thanks.

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