Dangerspouse Rides Again

Get your own
diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

Garage - Track

Sept. 17, 2004 - 2:10 p.m.



I had it all planned out: a humble yet transparently insincere acceptance speech, some false protestations of unworthiness, hollow mouthings about *finally* mailing out the checks I promised in exchange for votes, and a hearty "Thanks, chums!" designed to make all the people who voted for me feel obliged to do so again next time.



"Next time"?

Well...sure. There IS gonna be a next time, isn't there?

I do have more dollars you know. And they can be yours....

If there is a next time.




To get back to my point: I had it all planned out. And then, this:




The cornerstone of my gloating entry about how I won the Diarist.net "Best Comedic Entry" competition was to be a huge-ass picture of Wandisimo Magnifico!, former lover of Wanda and current Massage Therapist at Fairyland, plastered smack at the top of my diary. He is the PERFECT personification of how I feel about myself now that I've been granted official status as "Better Than You".

So I went online to snag a pic of ol' Wan and his exploding shirt. There must be THOUSANDS of 9 year old girls who moisten their Underoos dreaming about this guy daily, right? And most have probably scanned a pic or 30 onto their website in homage. I just had to choose the one that looked the least modest.

Quickly then over to Google Images where I typed in his name, hit enter, and prepared myself to wade through the 15,249 pages of Fairy beefcake that were about to be unleashed on my screen.

Here is the result (singular) that Google returned:

That's it. Just

Ok, yeah, if you Google this yourself you will see that there are actually three other images also. But two are not even Wandicimo, and the other one is a piece of fan art that looks like it had been inked by someone while riding a mechanical bull. My only option was the image you see above - fan art, but at least done by someone who may have once taken an Art Anatomy class.

I can't even supersize the pic. I have to pictorially represent my superiority with a hand drawn postage stamp.

Anyway, there you are. My bubble is burst, my heart is no longer in it, and my will to lord it over you is no more. All because 9 year old girls have let me down.


Well since I don't have the tools I need to properly gloat, I guess I'll go for Humble. Maybe then a few of you will think better of me than you currently do:


"I am absolutely thrilled to have won the Diarist.net "Best Comedic Entry of All Time" award. I really am. It's embarassing how much I wanted this sucker, but now that I have it I am humbled and grateful.

However more than that, I am - deep down - chagrined.

Shit. Look, you know there are funnier entries out there than my lame panty eating story. I was just lucky enough to get nominated by someone (or several someones) who knew I'd throw them a Indebteness Fuck if they did. After that, the irresistable lure of the Almighty Dollar overwhelmed the tally with a tsunami of votes for me.

Greed, not Quality, won this contest.

So here is a *partial* list of people who consistantly write more risible tales than Dangerspouse, and more deserved to win:

First of course is the gracious runner-up ladeeleroy, who in a Just World would be on the recieving end of the Winner's Blowjob right now, not me. ("Um no, that did NOT mean you should stop, Honey. Atta girl...") She's a class act all the way, and it should be no suprise to anyone that she makes her living with her pen.

Future Pulitzer, Booker, Oscar and Emmy winner dancingbrave. The fact that she didn't get "Best Overall Everything" is proof that the terrorists have indeed won. She's the reason people love their TV's.

Miss Bumptious. (What? You're not reading her?!)

Even when unclebob was being treated for Clinical Depression he was funnier than me. Hell, the guy is currently seeing his entire neighborhood sandblasted away by fucking Hurricane Ivan and he STILL smelts Comedy Gold for us.

hissandtell (the best thing going on "down under", if ya know what I mean *nudge nudge*)


poolagirl (who even LOOKS funnier than me)





sock-girlie (It's her birthday. This was the least I could do. The absolute least. As usual.)

Just about any diary listed at Damn Ass Hell Kings or 12% Beer.

Forgive me if I didn't mention you. YOU deserved to win more than me also, I'm sure. I'm just too tired of typing that damn "%%" sequence to link any more diaries.

But yeah: money talked, talent walked this time. And so I won. I'm sorry."

On the other hand:


(And thank you.)


(BTW, the nice folk at Diarist.net told me, in their congratulatory e-mail, that they would shortly be providing me with a link to pick up my new WINNER'S ONLY .jpeg. That was two days ago...nothing since. I see other winners have their button proudly splashed across their own pages, but somehow Dangerspouse slipped through the crack. *sigh* I guess it's true - comedy IS the least respected of the categories. Oh well, maybe I'll hunt down the girl who drew Wandicimo up there and have her paint a fascimile of the damn thing. I bet she'd like a lollipop....




"...and that bitch Anne Murray too!"


Did you see in my "Notes" that there were two notes from Dangerspouse? That kinda caught me by suprise when I spotted them this morning. I mean, I drink a lot but I rarely drunk message myself. Turns out (if you read it) that NewWifey(tm) was finally moved to leave me a message. But rather than go through the effort of actually setting up an account, or for god's sake just putting up with my halitosis long enough to tell me to my face, she just clicked on "Leave a Message" from my own page. Lazy bitch.

She said some nice things about me too, which means she must want jewelry.


But seriously, can I tell you something here off the record?

I love NewWifey(tm).


This is what's going down at Dangerhouse right now:

For the past 20 years I have been absolutely obsessed with something. For purposes of this diary it doesn't matter what specifically that obsession is, just know that thoughts of it have consumed me to the point of distraction almost daily. It colors my life, tugs at my heart, eats at my soul, calls to my spleen.

NewWifey(tm) knows what it is. No one else does.

We don't make a lot of money, and like most not-rich-enough-to-qualify-for-Bush's-billionaire's-tax-cut Americans, we are staggering under a heap-o-debt. There are MUCH needed repairs to Dangerhouse that are being put off, as are almost as much needed repairs to ourselves. (Both our jobs have slashed medical coverage, and completely eliminated dental. Anything less than a severed limb and we just grin and bear it. And faint.) We both have nagging problems that we just can't afford to address right now - as I'm sure many of you do also. So do our cars. That alone insures that Nissan Noodles are a featured entree here at least twice a week. We could not afford to race our motorcycles this year (which may be the deepest hurt. We met racing motorcycles. We got married on our racing bikes. She gave me a new bike as her wedding present. Racing isn't just a sport, it's a big part of "us").

But...I have this obsession.

And NewWifey(tm) knows it.

So last month NewWifey(tm) applied for a Home Equity Loan, for an ammount almost equal to what I make in a year.

This ammount would pay off our entire credit card debt, one of our mortgages, a car, AND leave enough left over so one of us could have a needed medical procedure done. And maybe waterproof our basement, which believe it or not is a dream of hers.

Instead, NewWifey(tm) has insisted - no, demanded - that I once and for all satisfy my One Burning Desire by spending this money on it. Although taking care of our crushing debt would be the fiscally prudent thing to do, and would probably allow us to raise that kind of cash again sometime in the future, she knows that my window of opportunity for this obsession is rapidly closing. Waiting unfulfilled a few more years would mean waiting unfulfilled forever.

So she has resigned herself to staying in a job she's grown to despise, wearing clothes she buys at consignment shops, and sending 90% of our combined salary to creditors every month, all so her husband can realize his life's dream by engaging in an act of pure vanity.

I can't tell you how torn I am about this. We need...so many things. Need, not want.

I feel so selfish.

But I'm doing it anyway.


This coming weekend we're flying out to Vancouver, Canada for several days. I may not be able to update while there, but I'll hopefully be back in the saddle here at Dangerhouse by the end of the month - maybe sooner.

I hope that wasn't all too enigmatic for you.

Anyway, to keep you busy I am going to divulge something else you probably didn't know. And no, this time even NewWifey(tm) has had no idea up until now either.....

A few months back I started a LiveJournal diary.


Oh, don't worry. She means nothing to me. We're just friends.

What happened was, the fame of Dangerspouse spread outside Diaryland's borders somehow. I began getting these e-mails from people all over the place, many of them LJ'ers. I wanted to respond to the nice notes and glowing mentions in their journals, but I couldn't unless I signed up.

So I signed up.

At first I wasn't gonna post any entries at all, just keep the account open so I could stalk at will. But the temptation grew too much and I put up a miniscule entry. Then another. Then...well, you know how it goes.

Actually, THIS is how it goes: I started making fun of crappy Journals I randomly surfed across. (If you decide to check it out, go back to the beginning to see the genesis of this. There aren't that many.) It's nothing like what I write here. It's completely contrary to my usual persona, as a matter of fact. I'm generally not one to just tear people down merely because they have the intellect of a key fob. But for some reason, the anonymity of a LiveJournal account brought out a side of me I never knew I had.

And now you know I have it too.

Try not to hate me.

If you do, I'll be in the land of snow and funny looking money. Hunt me down there.

In the meantime, stand on guard for thee until I get back, kids.



And once again, I would like to humbly thank the Academy....

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!