| Dangerspouse Rides Again |
Garage - Track
 
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Oct. 12, 2004 - 2:30 p.m. Lord, and I Was Born a Ramblin' Man.... "Being a Divers & Sundrye Collection of Drolleries and Non-Sequiturs, the Author Being Indisposed to Formulate an Actual Storye" . Before you do anything else, go generate your squirrel name then come back and bow before "Prince Furryface" here. (Funny how NewWifey(tm) has been calling me that for years already.) . Ok, I've gotta mend a fence: When I wrote in yesterday's entry "I hate kids", trinity63 pointed out that I inadvertantly neglected to add "...except for Trinity63's kids". Duly noted. . Now to hopefully replace a missing fence: hissandtell left a petulant note decrying my decision to erase her name (and therefore her reason for existance) from my Fave List. "What?!" said I, "Do her eyes deceive her?" No, they didn't. A quick perusal was all it took to determine that not only Hissy, but fully HALF my Fave List was Missing In Inaction. What happened? I have no idea, since I mostly access my Regular Reads through Bookmarks, not my Profile. But what I think happened was this: A few weeks ago I was changing the description of someone on my Fave List from "fuckhead" to "fuckface" (a subtle but important distinction to a wordsmith such as moi). When I clicked "Enter", the refreshed page came up with duplicates of every Favorite. I scratched my head, chalked it up to yet another of those unfathomable internet thingies I'll never understand, then went in and erased all the duplicate entries. But apparently, when my list effectively doubled in one fell swoop it passed the limit of allowable Favorites. Therefore the bottom 20 or so people I had felt obligated/pressured/coerced into putting on Le List disappeared! So listen, if you are one of The Lost and feel scorned about it (or even noticed), drop me a line and you'll be re-inserted. I have no idea who all is kaput myself, since as I say, I use my bookmarks. . Yesterday being Columbus Day, NewWifey(tm) had off from work. To celebrate this most holy of Italian-American holidays we decided to head out for an Oktoberfest celebration at The Black Forrest Inn in Stanhope. The local Springfield Shopper had a bunch of coupons to the place in its latest issue. We figured most people would be dining at Mamma Siciliano's on Columbus Day so we shouldn't have any problems with reservations. We figured right. We were seated right up by the Oompa band. Whoooie! Those Krauts sure know how to ein par-tay! I tell ya, there's nothing like a few 2-foot tall steins of Hacker-Pschorr, a mound of steaming red cabbage and amplified accordian Polka music to make you forget you were both bitterly angry at a co-worker and painfully hungover not two hours before. Seriously, the food was GREAT. A platter of Maultaschen (veal and spinach ravioli in a demi-glace sauce) and a Cold Appetiser Sampler started us off. Then NewWifey(tm) dove into a pair of the fattest, most tender Weisswursts I've ever seen in my life, with a dollop of homemade honey mustard. She only managed one. I was thrilled to see they had a limited special of Wild Boar Braised in Reisling with Shitake mushrooms. Oh. My. GOD. I think I'm gonna start breeding wild boars. And of course heaping piles of spaetzle, sweet and sour red cabbage, saurkraut with carroway, fried onions, etc. etc. etc., were all placed before us til we couldn't see each other over the largess. We ate and drank like the Aryan gods we always wanted to be. We farted like gods later, too. I kid you not, we were stricken with intestinal blasts to rival the famous Garlic Soup Cloud. Now I know why the French surrendered so quickly - they didn't have adequate gas masks in WW2. But, like that Garlic Miasma, we were both affected equally so the only one to suffer was the dog. And since most nights it's him assualting us with his anal artillery, we felt no remorse. . Anybody here ever use this stuff before? NewWifey(tm) brought home a bottle from her fvorite salon the other day, and I assumed it was an anti-diarrheal. That...you pour on your head? Turns out it's some kind of hair conditioner, smelling of "peppermint and Turkish rose". Tell me - would YOU market something you pour on your head as "No-Poo"? I mean, I suppose it's nice to know the bottle contains no actual feces, but wouldn't you assume that right from the start? Did they have to advertise that fact right in the name of the product? Was there some "Now With Poo!" product that failed previously, and they want to rectify that? . Why Half of All American Citizens Should Not Vote This November I got this neat book recently, "The Experts Speak: The Definitive Compendium of Authoritative Misinformation" by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navansky (Villard, 1998). It is, as the subtitle suggests, a collection of pronouncements by "Experts" which have proven profoundly - and often hilariously - wrong. Nonetheless they ARE all by Experts, and as such you should pay heed. Therefore, listen up ladies: "Nothing could be more anti-Biblical than letting women vote." (Harper's Magazine editorial, November 1853) "Extend now to women suffrage and eligibility; give them the political right to vote and be voted for, render it feasible for them to enter the arena of political strife...and what remains of family union will soon be dissolved." (The Catholic World, (periodical), May 1869) Sounds like the same argument used to justify slavery, Prohibition, miscegenation, blockage of the Civil Rights Act, and...gay marriage bans, doesn't it? Let's hope this argument meets the same fate this time around. There were, of course, secular justifications also. Women just plain aren't smart enough to be entrusted with The Vote: "Direct thought is not an attribute of femininity. In this woman is now centuries...behind man." (Thomas Alva Edison, in "The Woman of the Future", Good Housekeeping, Oct. 1912) "Brain work will cause the 'new woman' to become bald, while increasing masculinity and contempt for beauty will induce the growth of hair on the face. In the future therefore, women will be bald and will wear long mustaches and patriarchal beards." (Hans Friedenthal (Professor at Berlin University), quoted in Berliner Tageblatt, July 12, 1914). So please ladies, spare your families the pain of dissolution, yourself the wrath of a vengeful god, and your hairdresser the embarassment of trimming your mustache. Don't vote! Maybe you could spend the day having sex instead...? Not if you're a Normal Woman: "A woman who is normally developed mentally, and well bred, her sexual desire is small. If this were not so, the whole world would become a brothel and marriage and a family impossible." Joseph G. Richardson, M.D, Professor of Hygiene at the University of Pennsylvania, in "Health and Longevity (assisted by 17 other authorities), 1909 Ok, ok. A lot of these could be chalked up to the general ignorance of the times, and the overall dearth of scientific data due to lack of modern technologies. We've come a long way since then. Consider for instance this Official Declaration by North Carolina state representative Henry Aldridge, explaining why there was no need for his state to fund abortions for rape victims, quoted in Esquire, January 1996: "People who are raped - who are truly raped - the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work, and they don't get pregnant." So guys, if your little woman tells you she was raped, but ends up pregnant...she wanted it. No matter how many broken bones, torn uteruses, venereal diseases, and post traumatic stress disorders she exhibits. She's faking all of them. By the way, on the strength of the Honorable Senator's arguments, the North Carolina State Legislature voted to reduce the ammount of funds available to pay for abortions for poor women from 1.2 MILLION to 50 THOUSAND dollars. And - two months later - they rewarded his expertise by appointing him co-chair of the North Carolina House Committee on Human Resources, which oversees issues such as day care, services for the Poor, and abortion funding. (A somewhat more humorous error was voiced by Mary Anne Toledo, Republican member of the Colorado State Senate, on the floor during a 1995 session: "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25." ...quoted from The Denver Post, May 14 1995)
. I think I'll end with a joke - if the above wan't risible enough for you: In her local tavern one night a drunken floozy spots a rather distinguished looking older gentleman in the garb of a military officer sitting at the other end of the bar. She is intrigued, and somewhat desirous. "Hey soldier," she calls to him, "when was the last time you got laid?" He thinks a moment and then says, "1958" "1958?!" she cries. "Well your luck is about to change, Honey!" And with that she pays her tab, stands up, grabs the soldier and drags him back to her apartment. Where they fuck like mink until they both fall back, exhausted. "Jesus, that was great!" says the woman. "By the way, what time is it, anyway?" The officer looks at his watch and says, "2350." (And as always, if you don't get it just write. Or in this case, ask a soldier....) . Bedtime! Enough rambling. Don't think too hard ladies..... Ciao! .
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