|Dangerspouse Rides Again|
Garage - Track
Dec. 28, 2004 - 1:08 p.m.
So I Married A Pedophile
She pulled in to her sister's drive late on Christmas Eve, fell face first onto the sofa, woke briefly during the kids' unwrapathon at 5am, then crawled back on the sofa for another 10 hour nap. At 4pm she finally staggered into the bathroom to shower (that's one great smelling sofa now I bet), had dinner (candy canes and Port wine) and got talked into attending some cow bell ringing concert at her sister's hick church. One of her kids was lead Quasimodo and would have been crushed, crushed if Autie Spouse didn't attend. At least according to his mom. (Turns out the kid was barely able to rouse himself before the conductor dropped the baton on the first piece. I opined to NewWifey(tm), rather wittily I thought, "Maybe he has the Clapper." But she said no. The combination of Italian rum balls and stolen gulps of 34 proof Port just took a toll on his 8 year old frame. I don't think he would have noticed if his own mom had blown off attending and shot down to the dog track again instead.)
The clan got back around midnight and NewWifey(tm) immediately assumed her place on the divan.
At 7 the next morning she waved goodbye to the sleeping sibling and started the loooong drive. Again.
She arrived after 2 nap breaks, 5 Thermos' of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, and a quick detour at South of the Border to cram as many M-80's as the Escape could hold (NewWifey(tm)'s a nut for ordinance) at Dangerhouse at 8pm.
Just in time for me to give her a peck on the cheek, mutter "Merry Christmas", and go to bed.
Not even a cheap feel.
She understood, of course. I had to be back at work at 3am, and staying up til 8 to greet her at the door was a pretty big sacrifice as it was. Besides - she was right behind me, crawling under the blanket and snoring without even bothering to take off her clothes. I wish she had showered first, but....
So anyway, we decided to celebrate Christmas on Monday the 27th this year. It turned out to be a lot of fun too, and to cap it off...it snowed! As much as I hate the White Plague, I'm one of those saps who always says, "Yeah, but I do love a White Christmas." The losers who celebrated Santa on the 25th had a grey, rainy, Tiny Tim on crutches before Scrooge's epiphany Christmas. We had a Hallmark Card.
I finally got to make the splendid holiday dinner I'd been planning; a standing rib roast, baby Yukon potatoes simmered in duck fat, and classic creamed spinach. It may seem staid, or even boring, to you, but when you eat a meal like that on holiday plates, with a nice bottle of wine and looking down the hall at a twinkling tree, you know why they ARE classics. It was perfect. (Oh - and for you oenophiles - I dipped into my paradis cellar and decanted a 1980 Freemark Abbey "Cabernet Bosche" for the repast. Very nice, although somewhat tart. '80 was a very cool summer in CA, and this bottle reflected the meteoroligical reports.)
Yes, the only remaining reason for even observing the holiday. At least, that's the impression I got from all the commercials I had to read on-air for 9 solids weeks before Christmas.
But I do love it. I wallow in it, in fact. It's been "the Joy of Getting" for me since I was a kid. As usual, I began salivating uncontrolably the moment I saw my monogrammed Powerpuff Girl stocking (with Buttercup's face overlooking the top) bulging with pregnant lumps.
Woo hoo, score!!!
Here's what I hauled in:
* Two Fairly Oddparents "Book Sitter" character bookmarks (one Wanda, one Cosmo).
* Two books of Fairly Oddparents temporary tattoos (almost whittled down to one already).
* The Fairly Oddparents board game by Milton-Bradly ("ages 6 and up")
* A SpongeBob Squarepants Playstation-2 controller (with Turbo Button!)
* "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" game for PS-2.
* A SpongeBob Squarepants throw blanket to keep my tootsies warm while playing Grand Theft Auto.
* Fairly Oddparents seat covers for the Mighty WRX!! (Well, she bought a bolt of F.O. cloth and promised me she'd make whatever I wanted from it. I chose seat covers.)
* A Macallan 12 Year Old Single Malt Scotch gift set with commemorative tumblers.
It all looked something like this:
NewWifey(tm) obviously thinks she married a 10 year old boy. With a drinking problem.
And she couldn't be happier.....
Oh, and what glittering treasures did I leave wrapped for her under the tree?
You may recall that since starting this diary I have gifted her with: A Rigid 10" Compound Miter Saw, a Rigid 13" Reciprocating Saw, a DeWalt Table Saw w/ Stand, a Porter-Cable Fixed/Plunge Combo Router, a full Dremel setup, Black and Decker Orbital Jigsaw, a Makita 18-amp Cordless Drill, and a selection of hand tools from Seat Wrenches to a Post Holer.
This year she got a Craftsman 16-inch Scroll Saw.
I think I married a 40 year old man.
Who's butt crack I don't mind looking at when he's doing plumbing.
Of course, I had to fill her stocking also - and she has one of those novelty 4-foot long ones that she demands be stocked to the brim every year. And it was, with various chocolates, cd's, both "Kill Bill" movies (her favorite - I think she projects herself into it as the hero, in her dreams) and a vibrating seat cover pad (so I can be relieved of Massage Duty after she's finished her latest construction site marathon).
And naturally afterwards there was, as hissandtell would say, "snogging". Because as I always say, just because Christmas comes but once a year doesn't mean that you have to.
I hope you had as much fun as I did, kids. Even if you did celebrate Christmas on the wrong day this year. Suckahs.
Now if you'll excuse me, a certain pedophile wife wearing nothing but a Fir swag is beckoning with a bottle of 12 year old Scotch.
Ho Ho Ho!