Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Jan. 25, 2005 - 3:47 p.m.



NewWifey(tm) fulfilling her marital obligations:



Now THAT'S the kind of blowjob a married man can appreciate.

Don't get me wrong. Traditional BJ's - the kind that Googlers were expecting when they clicked that link to get here - have far from lost their lustre.

But those blowjobs won't clear a path down my driveway so I can get to work.

So I can make more money.

So I can get more blowjobs. The other blowjobs.


Anyway, you may be wondering why a Size 6 redhead was out on a -8 degree tundra blowing 22 inches of snow from a 2-car driveway while her strapping 220 pound husband drank Amaretto laced hot cocoa and snapped pictures from the comfort of a heated living room.

It's because I married a nut.

We moved up to Dangerhouse in 1999, fully expecting that area of the state to be pretty much like all other areas of New Jersey: crowded, smelly and temperate.

We were pleasantly suprised by how wrong our first two assumptions were. But it turned out our THIRD assumption was wrong also. That first year, during the third week of November, on a Tuesday afternoon, snow began to fall.

We didn't see a blade of grass again until April. Late April.

Now, when I was growing up we always had shovels. We lived in crowded Suburbia, with a crowded Suburbia short driveway, with several cars crowded on top. Any snow that fell could only accumulate on a patch of open space the size of a bathtub. Buying a snow blower for that would have been like starting a home business and buying a corporate jet to get you from the bedroom to your laundryroom/office.

So when we moved to Ice Station Jersey and the polar icecap decided to shift its epicenter a hundred feet from our front door, all we had to unbury our Iditerod-length driveway with was the same battered orange-handled aluminum shovel I'd been using since I was ten. And it was not up to the task.

'Fine' I thought. 'I'll get us new shovels.'

So I did. A pair of shiney ergonomic handled beauties, the finest that Chez Depot had to offer. $14.99 a piece, and worth every food stamp.

That winter I spent more time shovelling my driveway than I did at work.

I did again the next winter.

And the next.

With NewWifey(tm) helping every scoop of the way.

Finally, in August of 2003, she'd had enough.

"I am NOT suffering another 5 months of my toes never thawing and 3" thick calluses on my hands. Either buy a snowblower or I'm running away to Guam."

"But honey, the shovels do a great job! What do we need one of those dangerous bladed things when you and I can usually get that driveway cleared in just over 4 hours? Besides...they're expensive!"

"Listen, if I don't get a snowblower there will be no blowing of ANY kind this winter, you understand? And if you're too afraid of those 'dangerous blades', then I'LL work the fucking thing. You can stay inside and cower under your Menudo blankie, Mr. Man. All YOU have to do is pay for it."

How could I refuse an offer/threat like that? Two days later we plunked down the price of my first car on an Ariens 524".

Scary looking blades, am I right? Am I?

I told you.

NewWifey(tm) was as good as her word though. Last winter, and now this one, the first flakes had barely hit the gound before she was out in the garage gassing that baby up.

Truth be told, she'd be out there blowing anyway. She LOVES power equipment of any kind, elbowing me aside whenever I attempt to use something more powerful than a blender. I dunno, maybe it's the whole "chicks love vibration" thing. Or maybe she's overcompensating for not having a naturally empowering penis. All I know is, she can't restrain herself when it comes to loud, noisey, dangerous and manly stuff. Like snowblowers.

Uh...plus, she doesn't trust me to complete most tasks without an undue amount of bloodshed. Mine or hers. Experience is a hard teacher. Or as she likes to put it, "Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice, and I'll lop your fucking head off with a plunge router, pal."

It can get rather nervewracking at times up at the ol' Danger estate.

On the other hand, she really does blow like a champ.

And that makes it all worthwhile on those snowy winter nights......

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