Apr. 20, 2005 - 12:00 p.m.

Scratch That Itch

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RING THE VATICAN BELLS! THE SMOKE IS WHITE!

I bring news of great joy: we have the answer(s) to the DangerMix quiz!

Which no one won.

HAH!

Foolish mortals.

I ended up mailing out 217 cd's ultimately, of which only 4 never made it to their destination (that I know of - if you didn't get yours, drop me another line). Not bad, considering I sacrificed a goat and then entrusted the envelopes to the US Postal Service for delivery. My apologies to those few - even the big fucking crybabies making a huge deal about not getting a goddam free gee-gaw - who have not yet recieved this precious jewel in the mail. I will re-send those 4 tomorrow, hopefully with happier results. Whiners.

I must say, I have been staggeringly underwhelmed by the quality of loser-swag mailed back to me so far. Only one loving, considerate and damned intelligent person sent porn.

ONE.

Wasn't I explicit enough in my previous posts? Did you all really think I wanted to hear your own 2nd-rate compilations? I am so disillusioned by humankind now. Still, there is hope. The overwhelming majority of people have yet to check in. I'm keeping various appendiges crossed on this end in hopes that my luck will turn now that the contest is over.

Anyway, thanks to NoGoodDaddy for hooking me up with all those great Adam and Eve bonus tapes. He told me he is upgrading his entire porn collection to DVD, and was wondering what to do with the VHS originals. When along came me! So to speak.

Always glad to help a friend out.

But...who knew he was so into She-Males? I mean, they're ok when they're flipped onto their stomachs (and shaved), as long as you let your eyes blur to soft focus in case any sackage protrudes. And the titty-fuck ones aren't too bad. But dude, here's the problem with VHS tapes if you don't rewind them:

I know *exactly* at what point you despoiled that Kleenex.

You are a sick, sick motherfucker. Or rather, cocksucker.

But hey - who am I to judge? Vive la difference, Marriage Is Love, and all that. Good for you. Just...stay away from my dog, willya?

(NoGood's Care Package also included:

* A dozen condoms, various colors and textures. Perfect for a guy who's had a vasectomy. Thanks.

* A bottle of berry flavored lube. NewWifey(tm)'s hemorrhoids thank you.

* Two trial packets of non-flavored asstro-glide. Again, sighs of relief and thanks.

* A keychain with a 3 foot long retractable measuring tape. I have no idea why.

* A soft, pliable, disturbingly attractive latex pussy tube. (Unused, he assured me. Like I'd care.) If this thing could do laundry, I'd dump NewWifey(tm) in a stroke.

It really was an impressive array of Christmas cheer. H even posted a pic of it all in his own diary too, so you can scoot on over now and get jealous that you're not me.)

I should note also that Diarist.net Award Loser PoolaGirl sent Mexican Candy as her tribute.

Have you ever had Mexican Candy?

Every. Single. Flavor. Has fresh Mexican "chilis des muertas" in the center. The wrappers had cheery photos of strawberries, watermellons, etc. And in tiny letters underneath: "con chili".

Good god! No wonder they never get any work done down there. I didn't want to do anything once my eyeballs started sweating either.

However, they DID take my mind off NoGoodDaddy's tranny porn for a while. So thanks, Poolie!

Oh yeah -

If you're not gonna send porn, you could always send cash. Like my buddy Gord (who doesn't have a diary) did.

Gord sent:

TWENTY DOLLARS!!

Yeah, I was aghast too.

Until I saw it was twenty dollars Canadian.

Now if I remember my Canuk:US Currency Exchange Rate conversion formula correctly, that works out to....

...uh...hang on....

2/3pi...carry the 7....plus 5...times the third root....

Eight cents, US.

Thanks Gord. I'll put it to good use.

But really, thanks to everyone who sent me something, no matter how ill advised. I've really enjoyed seeing what you all thought fit to be thrown away to some lout you'll never, ever meet. I really HAVE gotten some great music compilations out of this.

And I'm looking forward to more - LOTS more - after this post.

Because here's the playlist for the compilation I sent YOU. Read 'em and weep, losers. Then get down to the Post office and mail me my due.

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The DangerMix Is:

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1. The theme to the British cartoon, "DangerMouse". If you got this wrong, you owe me 10 bucks.

2. "Malaguena Salarosa" by Chignon. How they work up that much energy after eating those candies I'll never know. From the soundtrack to "Kill Bill Vol.2"

3. "Love Light" by Bobby "Blue" Bland. Old black guys beltin' out lovin' have yet to be beat.

4. "Leroy Brown" by Queen. Takes me back to my old Vaudeville days....

5. "Stone Cold Crazy" by Queen. Before "Bohemian Rhapsody", these guys were actually respectable rockers.

6. "Sin Wagon" by the Dixie Chicks. After their George Bush comment, I went out and bought their entire catalogue. Fuck Toby Keith. I'd kick his star spangled ass.

7. "Otto Titsling" Bette Midler, from the movie "Beaches". Yeah, yeah. More than one person has pointed out that my inclusion of the Divine Miss M makes me a fag. But show me a straight man who DOESN'T like hearing a woman gleefully sing about "those terrible tits"?

8. Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus", sung a capella by The Roches, 3 insanely talented sisters from New Jersey. (Proving that our toxic waste pits sometimes produce FAVORABLE mutations.) You may have seen them perform this live on an old Saturday Night Live episode a few years back.

9. "That's Right (You're Not From Texas)" by Lyle Lovett. The most talented ugly man in America.

10. "Snortin' Whisky, Drinkin' Cocaine" by Pat Travers. Deep, deep lyrics.

11. "Bomb the Twist" by the 5,6,7,8's. Lemme see if I've got this straight: an all-girl Japanese punk garage trio blasting out avant-garde surf inspired guitar-driven Rock in English, even though they don't speak the language? If that ain't the spirit of Rock and Roll, I'll eat my Little Richard 45's. This is what Yoko Ono would have done if she'd actually had talent.

12. "The Bash" by The Dixie Dregs. Steve Morse, lead guitarist, was voted "Guitar Player of the Year" so many times in a row back in the 80's that after a while the sponsoring magazine said "Enough!" and disqualified him from future considerations. Every album they put out had one shit-kickin' country tune, as an homage to their Georgian roots. This is the fastest version of the old "Wabash Cannonball" you'll ever hear.

13. "Doctor, Doctor" by Robert Palmer. If my car had a DVD player I would have gone with "Simply Irresistable", just for the video. And crashed.

14. "I Am the City" by ABBA. The final song they ever recorded, and never released until its inclusion in a compilation cd a few years ago. This song really sounds like NYC.

15. W.A. Mozart, the Overture to "The Magic Flute". Hey, 3 minutes and 52 seconds of culture isn't gonna kill you. Gotta give props to someone who was writing for 100-piece orchestras before he was 10. What have YOU done lately? Crank this one as loud as any rock track.

16. "Bloodshot Eyes" covered by Pat Benatar. Trained in opera, Heartbreaker in the 80's, dubbed the "Ant Queen" by Spy magazine, and beside herself several times over in "Heathers". And a few years ago, a kick-ass cd of retro swing called "True Love". This is the first track.

17. "White Noise" by Marc Bonilla. From a much sought after cd called "Guitar's Practicing Musician's, Volume 2". I couldn't believe it when I spotted a copy at a local used-music store. You listen to this thing and you wonder how any of these guys can have fingers left on their fret hand.

18. "Attitude Dance" by Tower of Power. Real instruments rule. Only band I ever saw perform with the lead guitar and base hidden behind the drum kit, and the horns all lined up at the front of the stage. Even the singer took a back seat to them.

19. "To Know You is to Love You". Old Stevie Wonder tune kicked up several notches by Thelma Houston (with Pressure Cooker). Modern R&B divas SUCK. Every note they sing has to have a trill, a grace note, or an arpeggio leading up to AND following it. Or all three. It's aural bling, with no underlying substance. THIS is how emotion, how soul, should be conveyed. Thelma rocks my B&W's frequently (and dig that trombone!).

20. "Roll 'Em" by the Harry James Orchestra (digitally remastered by Sheffield Labs). What your grandma was banging the milkman to in the 40's in the back of your grandfather's DeSoto, while he was off liberating France.

21. "My Favorite Game" by The Cardigans. I fell in love with this tune when Sony used it as the theme song to its Playstation game "Gran Tourismo-2". It was the first track I popped into the Mighty WRX the day I bought it. The car now goes 5% faster.

22. "Doo Wah Diddy" by the Exciters. This is the original song. The Manfred Mann version most people are familiar with ("There SHE goes, just-a walkin' down the street...") is the cover. I like this one a lot better - those tough streetcorner NYC chicks were keepin' it real decades before other rockers just pretended to.

23. "Polk Salad Annie" by Tony Joe White. My father in law, born and bred in Arkansas, insists it's "poke salit". I showed him the album. He spat on it. Two months later he mailed me out two cans of gen-u-wine "Poke Salit"...which I have yet to open to this day. But I like the song.

24. "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" by....Bette Midler. LOTS of people guessed it was the original Andrews Sisters version. But nope, Ms. Titsling did all 3 parts herself, overdubbed.

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So how'd you do?

Pretty bad, huh?

I understand. We can't all be career radio gods.

So far the most anyone has gotten was 13 correct out of the 24. The majority of people e-mailing me their answers had less than 10 right. LOTS less.

You guys just suck at cheating.

Ok, time to pony up, the rest of you! You've got my address.

Remember: Porn Is Love.

Rock on, kids!

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