Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Jun. 09, 2013 - 7:04 a.m.

Guy Stuff


A couple of month ago - right after my last entry as a matter of fact - I was doing some Guy Stuff (a brake job on a monster truck or jacking off or something) when my elbow started to hurt.

Now astute readers might recall that a couple of years ago my shoulder started to hurt when I was doing other Guy Stuff (hitting a heavy bag). At that time I thought to myself, "That's odd. My shoulder's starting to hurt." And I kept hitting the heavy bag. Until I suddenly couldn't lift my arm and had to go through months of physical therapy and get a shot with a scary needle and was told to take up a sport other than boxing from now on. "No pain, no gain" turned out to be a lie. Lesson learned.

So this time when my elbow started to hurt I thought, "That's odd. My elbow's starting to hurt."

And I kept jacking off. I mean, doing the brake job.

So, of course, within hours I needed weeks of physical therapy, shots with a needle, and lifestyle adjustment advice. I guess I wasn't paying attention during the first lesson.

Inclusive in the "lifestyle adjustment advice" I was given was this nugget: no typing.

"No typing? Doc, I'm a news anchor. If I don't type, I'll have nothing to say when the guy says, 'Now here's Dangerspouse with the news.' How am I going to lie to the masses?"

"That's fine he said. "But you'll never be able to jack off with that hand again if you do."

"What if I use my wife's hand instead? I mean, it'll be kinda messy detaching it from the rest of her body and stuff, but...."

"You'll still have to move your arm up and down."

I stopped typing.

It wasn't easy. I had to work solely with my good arm, cutting-and-pasting with a mouse from stories filed by our field reporters rather than type my own versions. And my RedTube consumption dropped to dangerously low levels. But I got it done.

And now my elbow is better! I can finally type again! And RedTube!

I tell ya, that Physical Therapy place had it all figured out. They stocked the place with insanely hot chick therapists right out of college. If there is a better incentive for fat middle-aged man-childs with an unrealistic belief that they still have a chance with girls like, this fat middle-aged man-child with an unrealistic belief that he still has a chance with girls like that doesn't know what it is. I didn't miss a single appointment.

But of course, this being a Dangerspouse story it's not complete unless there is a downside.

Part of my elbow physical therapy involved shoulder exercises. But because I didn't want to seem less than supremely manly and desirable to the supremely out-of-my-league-even-during-my-prime therapist working on me, I didn't mention my previous shoulder injury. The result: during my third session I collapsed on the floor next to the arm bike, crying and sucking my thumb. The hot chick therapist I knew I still had a shot with patted me on the head and looked concerned. She stopped all future shoulder exercises.

But it was too late. After I finished elbow therapy the shoulder got worse and worse. Back to the doctor.

"Yep. That arm bike did it, alright. Why did you do that?"

"What do you mean, 'Why did I do that'? I did that because the hot therapist told me to do that!"

"Did you happen to mention to her that you have a pre-existing condition?"

"Doc, she was really hot. REALLY hot."

"Good for her! You now have two options: rotator cuff and impingement surgery, or prayer and a shot. If you get the surgery it'll fix you for good, but you have to take a month off of work and wear a cast that keeps your upper body from moving. Your wife will have to wipe you."

I got the shot and stopped at two churches, a synagogue, a mosque, and a Christian Science reading room on the way home.

That was last Wednesday.

Wish me luck. If the shot doesn't work, I may be incommunicado again for weeks.

In the meantime, I've gotta finish that brake job on the truck today finally. I think I'll research the procedure on RedTube first, though....


Note: on the upside, not being able to type has given me more time indulge in one of my favorite hobbies: learning about medieval Japanese societies.

Inscrutable indeed....



BTW, when did that "Shopwiki(dot)com" ad get inserted into my diary? Is this a new D-Land thing, or have I been hacked by someone who's not terribly destructive but still annoying?

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