Dangerspouse Rides Again

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Garage - Track

Jan. 27, 2016 - 6:46 a.m.

Joannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart

was born on this day in 1756.

A few dozen years later, so was I.

Let's compare accomplishments, shall we:


Age 4 (or 5, there is some dispute) composes his first actual pieces of music for both clavier and violin, including what we now call "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". Being a stupid child, he neglects to claim copyright and loses out on billions.

Age 6 goes on his first European concert tour, which lasts three and a half years. Gets laid.

Age 8 writes his first symphony.

Age 13 commits first crime, transcribing a massive choral work he heard in Rome after hearing it performed only twice. Unfortunately the Vatican owned the piece, and didn't want anyone else performing it. This set the stage for Napster being shut down centuries later. Thanks, Mozart.

Age 14 writes his first opera. People still hate opera.

Age 26 marries a sex maniac.

Age 27 first child.

Age 28 2nd child.

Age 30 3rd child.

Age 31 4th child.

Age 32 5th child.

Age 34 6th child.

Age 35 dies.



Age 0 born.

Still alive.

I win!

In your face, Wolfie. Where did all those precious concertos get you, huh? A spot in an unmarked pauper's grave, that's where. And hey, another perk of being me: married a sex maniac, NO kids. Can you say "still tight"?

No you can't. 'CAUSE YOU'RE DEAD.

Fucking Mozart. Thinking he's all that. Sheeee-it. Him and Ludwig can BOTH suck it.

Ok, gotta wrap this up. Birthday or no birthday the show must go on, so I'm here at work. But when I get home, bitch better have my honey, that's all I'm sayin'. With a candle on top.

Ciao, kids. And remember: don't be a Bach suite driver.




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