Dec. 23, 2021 - 8:58 a.m.

Depends

Hey, remember when that guy stuck a camera up Little Elvis and told me he spotted something? No? Well I wrote about it, so you should. Anyway, he did it again last year and said the same thing. Then he said something else, something my American readers will sympathize with: "And you need to get it taken care of this month because next month is January and you'll have to pay your deductible again."

Thanks, all you legislators (and your lobbyist handlers) who voted down Single Payer Healthcare.

So I got it taken care of. That was December 2020, almost a year ago to the day as I write this. My lumpy ol' prostate got shaved down, I got to swing a catheter bag around like a watch on a zoot suit for a while, then got to wear Depends for a while longer.

Glad I did it, too. Yeah, the thought of some stranger forcing a knife into my penis was initially a little disconcerting. But once it was over, bike seats became more comfortable, I started winning again at roshambo, and I stopped having to stand for 20 minutes with my dick in my hand at public urinals like a gay pedophile before I was finally able to start peeing. The only downside is that I now have "retrograde ejaculations". Ie: nothing comes out when I cum. It shoots backwards into my bladder. That's not really a problem for me, but I feel bad for NewWifey(tm). It deprives her of the only mouthful of hot protein she sometimes gets all day.

You ever wear Depends? If you're a guy I highly recommend it, even if you haven't just had prostate surgery. The bulge makes you look like you're too much for even Piper Perri. I probably kept mine on 5 months longer than I needed to just because it was so amazing having women hitting on me for once. And some horses.

Now if you're a woman, I don't recommend them. "My, you must have a huge vagina!" is not generally considered a compliment. Sorry.

So what else have I been doing besides dick surgery? Well I did get some complications from the procedure that knocked me for a loop for a bit. But then I got better. Then I ate a sandwich. I bought a new shirt. I watched an episode of "Midsomer Murders". Then another. There was porn. I tore my new shirt. I ate another sandwich. I went for a drive. Porn. Sandwich.

Then I tore some cartilage in my knee and had more surgery. Then spent two months ordering NewWifey(tm) to make me more sandwiches, because, "ow, my knee!".

And now I'm back.

How about you? Anything interesting happen while I was gone?

By the way, I heard about this pandemic thing. But I'm not worried. Americans are smart. They'll follow common sense public health measures like avoiding large gatherings, masking, and vaccinating, without complaint. That will curb the spread quickly enough so variants won't emerge, dragging this out longer than it needs to. Other countries will follow our example and things will be back to normal within a few weeks. A deadly worldwide pandemic is serious enough that there's no way counter-measures would be twisted for political gain by, say, convincing the weak minded that it's a "free choice" issue rather than a life saving strategy based on science.

Right?

Oh, and I see we have a new chair moistener in the Oval Office. I kinda fell asleep at the time, but I assume the transition of power went smoothly? Nothing untoward like claims of a stolen election and calls for insurrection, I assume? Good. I was a little worried there for a while. 'Merica!

That's about it, other than I got a new cat. I like him. He laughs at my jokes:

But more on that later. Right now I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Hope Santa brings you that pony finally, and a booster shot if you don't have one.

Ciao!