|Dangerspouse Rides Again
Garage - Track
Oct. 30, 2023 - 7:19 p.m.
Black Pussy and Pi
Not much of an entry this time around, sorry Dangies (Taylor Swift totally stole that from me). NewWifey(tm) is still out in Ozarkistan tending to her ailing mother, who refuses to go peacefully. Don't get me wrong, I love the old bird and I'll be sad to see her shuffle off her mortal coil. But I haven't gotten laid in weeks! Longest dry spell I've had since I was 7 and our parish priest was "reassigned".
The exterior renovation work to Dangerhouse is now almost entirely complete. The front and back porches are built, the house has been completely re-shingled and painted, and the crumbling retaining wall that was the only thing standing between our house and a Three Gorges Dam collapse was torn down and graded. There's some trim work that NewWifey(tm) insists on doing herself when she gets back since I, apparently, have a certain disdain for things like "accuracy" and "sobriety". I think that's what she said, but I was pretty drunk at the time so it might be something else.
All that remains to be done outside is our driveway, which has needed to be resurfaced since the day the house was built. Once that's finished we attack the indoor side, specifically the flooring. The entire ground floor surface has been slowly developing lumps and ridges from the humidity (*cough* shoddy materials *cough*) to the point where anyone now who walks across our living room appears drunk. After that's addressed, we sell the place and get outta Dodge. That is, if we have any money left.
In the meantime, tomorrow is Halloween! I love Halloween. Don't get me wrong, I hate kids, I hate costumes, I hate The Monster Mash, I hate Thriller (except Eddie Van Halen's solo), I hate horror movies, and I hate orange. But other than that, I love Halloween.
Oh ok, I'll tell you why. It's because of where we live. We live in the middle of fucking nowhere, at the edge of a state forest, near the top of a steeeeeeep hill, in a part of the state that gets snow sometimes as early as September. And true to form, a mix of snow, sleet, and rain is in the forecast for us tomorrow night.
If you were a kid, would you want to trudge through all that for a single freakin' 3-Musketeers bar? And a "Fun Sized" one, no less. Likewise, no fat American parent is gonna risk a TIA event pushing their equally porcine 8 month old in a stroller up Mount Lonely for the same reward.
So guess who gets to eat all 4 bags of candy that he bought "just in case"?
I love Halloween.
So does NewWifey(tm), although for somewhat more socially acceptable reasons. She likes kids insofar as that goes, she feels relatively indifferent about spooky regalia, movies, and Michael Pedo Jackson, and the color orange is close enough to the color of her hair that she feels a certain kinship. Plus she gets to eat any Fun Sized Snickers Bars I may have dropped behind the couch when I nodded off. That's a bonus.
But all that is rather irrelevant. She mostly likes Halloween because of her fake pumpkins - and no, not her boobs. NewWifey(tm), if you recall, is a cross-stitch designer of some renown. And one of her hottest sellers every year is her line of stitched foam pumpkins. If you're not familiar with cross-stitchery (ie: if you have a life), you don't buy cross-stitch pieces as finished objects. You buy the kit and make it yourself. NewWifey(tm)'s pumpkin kits come with colored threads ("floss"), a chart showing where each strand of floss goes, a craft drill to make holes in the pumpkin according to a different chart, and a special curved floss needle. The only thing the customer has to buy is the foam pumpkin, which is available at Little Old Lady craft stores nation wide. The blue haired set love 'em.
So I leave you with pictures I took of two of them last week for NewWifey(tm)'s socials: "Halloween Pussy", and "Pumpkin Pi". (She only uses one of those names in her official literature.)
Dell is normally an unwelcome presence during my studio sessions, but this time he came in handy for the "BOO" shoot. Kind of a stroke of genius on my part, if I do say so myself. Of course, spending an hour getting him to stop walking around or licking his balls so I could take JUST ONE GOD DAMNED SHOT JUST ONE GOD DAMNED SHOT PLEASE YOU FUCKING CAT made me briefly question even taking up photography in the first place. But in the end I think it was worth it.
"Pi", I'm proud to admit, is a design I both suggested to NewWifey(tm), and named. (The fact that it is her worst seller - by far - is testimony to how we need to increase public school funding in this country. A nation of dullards, I tell ya.)
That's all til next time. And don't forget kids, a Fun Sized 3-Muscateers awaits you if you manage the climb to Dangerhouse tomorrow! And maybe some pussy.
Oh heck, you can stand one more. Two more. Of a bunch more.