|Dangerspouse Rides Again|
Garage - Track
Mar. 16, 2004 - 5:30 a.m.
My tube steak brings all the girls to the yard
And they're like, it's bigger than yours
Damn right it's bigger than yours
I could pimp you but I have to charge....
Yeah yeah. You've all seen my pic now. And you all want me now. Even the guys (I'm looking at YOU magistrate20). Hey, I understand that. I've been living with it all my life.
BUT GODDAM IT, THAT WASN'T A FREAKIN' MULLET!
Back then, and I think that pic was from '94, I had this mop of greasy Southern Mediterranean curls. I was indistinguishable from my sisters, who were all black haired Lillian Gish clones. I kept my hair long because I had an image to maintain: Rock and Roller, Hip DJ, White Trash, Disaffected Youth. But when I put the hat on, if I didn't pull those curls back I would look like a Puli dog. I did not want to look like a Puli dog. So I yanked it all backwards.
IT WAS NOT A MULLET!
Not that I'm sensitive about it or anything....
What I find interesting about this whole experience is that I posted the picture to illustrate the lunacy that permeates the Radio Biz. Instead, you shallow, estrogen addled slatterns fixated on my stunning visage. Shame on you all! Saliva drenched notes hinting of unseeming lubricity now fill my guest book, all implying trysts of disgusting magnitude should I ever consent to meet the authoress. I feel like such a piece of meat.
But, uh, keep it coming.
Unfortunately, the ensuing 10 years since that photo was taken have not been kind to DangerLooks. For an updated photo, click HERE.
There. And that's my good side.
Let that be a warning to you guys: don't get married. 430 pounds, no hair, sex only if I chain the bitch to the bed, gum disease. All in the span of two years. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may....
Two weeks ago NewWifey(tm) pulled into our driveway to find me squatting next to the Mighty WRX, changing the wheels. It was 50 degrees out, azure skies overhead were portending Spring, and I'd already killed my first robin red breast. Time for the snow tires to go. (I had the foresight to order the tires mounted to seperate wheels, so I just have to pop off one set and slap on the others. Takes 5 minutes per wheel, and I recommend it to anyone who lives above the snow line and wants to save those gouging mounting charges at Tire Barn.)
NewWifey(tm) leaned out the window with "What are you doing? It's March - EARLY March. You know, 'In Like a Lion' March. Remember last year when we got 10 inches on St. Patrick's Day? You shouldn't be putting your road tires on yet!"
I had a funny feeling she was gonna bring something like that up. But I was ready with my irrefutable reposte:
"But...but...I hate those snow tires! They make the car slower, and the whole reason I bought the Mighty WRX was to go fast and feel like I have a bigger penis! Besides - I work at a huge radio place with newspeople and meteorology geeks who all say we're not gonna see snow again until 2007. You, meanwhile, are an accounting something-or-other who wouldn't know a hygrometer from a hole in the ground."
And for two weeks, I was right.
Tonight into St. Patrick's Day we are expected to get 8 - 10 inches of snow.
Just like last year.
Just like NewWifey(tm) warned.
I hate meteorology geeks.
Of course, NewWifey(tm) took every opportunity to relay weather updates yesterday. "Look honey, the latest forecast shows the snow is gonna mix with sleet at about the same time you leave for work tomorrow! That's on top of the 8 inches that will already be on the ground by then! I hope you and your big penis don't have any problems coming down the mountain with those cute Toyo's you put on the car last week. If I see you in a ditch when I go by I'll wave...."
Now when I get home today I have to squat back down and replace 4 Toyo Proxes T1-S tires, mounted on hot Enkei RP02-J rims, with squishy Goodyear Ultra GripIce rubber mounted on UGLY STAMPED STEEL rims. How am I gonna pick up chicks with THAT setup?! I think this is all part of some evil cosmic plot to enforce fidelity in my marriage. Either way, the worst part is going to be the look NewWifey(tm) shoots me after she spots those snow tires back on the Mighty WRX. There's no "I told you so" like an implied "I told you so". On the other hand it's her turn to shovel, so maybe she won't have the energy to twist that knife quite so vigorously.
Oooh - when the snow stops I have some funny sex stories I need to get off my chest, and elsewhere! Stay tuned.....